The One About When Guys Are Vulnerable…
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Apparently, I’m feeling benevolent and sympathetic to the cause of women everywhere lately. I’m not completely sure why, but it does help that my mother is a woman. And women do have to deal with a lot from men (thought I honestly think it PALES in comparison to most of the drama that women bring to the table…when it comes to drama, women ARE the table) so it’s only right that every so now and then we throw you all ladies a bone.
Big pun.
Double entendre, don’t even ask me how.
It’s a well known fact that most men are extremely rational beings. When men get emotional bad things happen and white flight occurs. I’m pretty sure that Mike Tyson was the last really emotional public figure Black man and you see how that one turned out. Actually, you could add Kanye West and The Game into that…well, I guess you see where this is going. Overly emotional Black men act like some real b*tches at times.
In fact, Kanye and The Game totally ruin my point so let’s relegate them to the minority and assume that most dudes are some real Compton city G’z and maintain that impregnable gangsterism on a 24/7 basis. That is until…they don’t. And thus comes women’s best opportunity to get a man to do what she wants. See all of us men are prone to bouts of vulnerability. It’s that point where we may cry or just get real emo and start sharing feelings. I, myself, personally, was feeling a little emo today and had a long discussion with our job security guards about the great job they do despite the obvious limitations of packing flashlights and whistles.
By the way “flashlights and whistles” was the original term for “gay” but it was too long. Um, THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
Anyway, I will let you of boobage know men’s most vulnerable times and therefore the best times to get men to do your bidding. Follow me!
1. Right after a late night splash session
We don’t like talking after we smash, in general. We mostly just want to go to sleep so we can do it again in the morning. But if you do catch us awake and feeling all emo and wanting to cuddle you better jump on it. Newcleus. We’ll probably give you a down payment on a house we can’t afford if you put it on us. If you did not however, you might not get as much as a good night.
2. After our favorite sports team has won…anything
Sports, music, and women are our lives. So if our team wins the championship, you probably have a solid 24 hours to make all kind of absurd requests of our time and attention and we’ll be more than happy to fulfill them. This is also a good time to ask us for that threesome you’ve been wanting. Oh and conversely, asking us for something AFTER our team loses? I don’t even like soccer and I was pissed for hours after USA lost to Ghana. Damn Africans.
Sidenote: Just received a text asking if you (as a dude) go to the midnight screening of the new Eclipse movie does that make you a b*tch?
Yes.
3. When we’re sick
We covered this yesterday but man, when I’m sick, I’m really not in a good space and if you make me feel better I’ll probably build you a home. Now it will be using Lincoln Logs and little army men and be named something like the Derek Zoolander School For Kids Who Don’t Read Good, but its the thought that counts. And ooh I think they like me. Don’t talk, just listen. Or something.
4. When we stub our toe
Pain is love. Love is pain. But a stubbed toe? That’s forever. If you want to see me at my most vulnerable, just see me after I stub my toe on a door. I go STRAIGHT Twilight on that a**. And yes, I will offer to take you to Miami (Ohio) if you make it feel good (no Monster’s Ball).
Similarly…
5. After we get kicked in the nuts
This is not a good time to ask us for anything as our ability to talk is hampered by the guttural feeling we feel in our stomachs (why does it go to our stomachs), but after that happens, we start getting all emo and thanking people for making us better people which is always the best time to get a new pair of diamond earrings. Or studs out the cracker jack box. But beggars can’t be choosey. Isleys.
Those are five moments when us menfolks are at our most vulnerable and will begin to get emo and spill our emotions, thereby opening up to our women and entertaining foolishness. It’s true, oh yeah, it’s true.
Ladies, when have you noticed your man was at his most vulnerable? And fellas, when has your chick been able to get the most out of you? Let’s share and open up the circle of trust.
I love lamp.